Thus began a season of surviving in all senses. Of going to work to forget about the anger, hurt, pain, upset of the state of my marriage. Of trying not to cry at any and all moments of kindness. Of keeping it together at all times so no one would know that really I was perilously close to loosing it. Of above all things protecting my children from my inability to fix my marriage and make things better. Through this season of frost and barren waste ground I clung to God. Yes I know this might be dodgy ground for some of you but it's true. In the absence of knowing how to fix things or what to do I simply clung on for all I was worth to the one thing I knew was constant, and to be fair to God, he clung onto me. 'Abide in me' became my personal task and since I didn't know what else to do, I abided, and I abided, and when I didn't know what else to do, I abided and kept on abiding until God told me to do something else, which eventually, he did.
April 2012 and my date with my abdominal surgery had arrived. In order for my post pregnancy repair operation to be carried out I needed someone to be available to help me overnight when I came out of hospital and this was the moment that God decided to talk to me about forgiveness and restoration and obedience. My husband had offered to help support me with the overnight assistance but I wasn't so sure that it was a good idea. Things between us hadn't really improved any since our separation 7 months earlier and any attempts of conversation were usually strained, but God had other ideas and told me so in no uncertain terms that I was to let my husband step up and be my husband. So I did, I surrendered my ideas of what should happen and allowed God to drive. For those of you who have trouble believing in God I do hope you are still reading this because the story does have a happy uplifting feel good ending and I would hate for you to miss that because God is mentioned.
We are now in high summer and my husband has moved back in to our home, we are working on building new strong foundations for our marriage and are in the process of healing and restoring relationships across the children and wider family. Out of an offer to help came opportunities to listen and moments to experience movement and change. In September I start my second year of studying Contemporary counselling at the University of Hertfordshire and am excited to see where that will take me. I'm currently looking for work but am trusting in the bounty and provision of my heavenly father in the knowledge that he's got my back and can turn all things to my good. This wasn't the blog I set out to write but it seems to be the one I was meant to write so am posting this in the faith and heart in which it's intended. Not to ram my faith down anyone's throat but to show that all things are possible. Even those things that seem lost or broken beyond repair. Hope should always be clung to with the belief that out of the current season can come a season of renewal and growth. You might have to give up your own fixed ideas of what that will look like but believe that it can at least arise and you're one step closer to it.